Failure and Faith

How should i start this? never mind.

It looks like I've driven her away now. She is really upset and up until now will not contact me no matter how i beg. She did talk to me though but that's after i called her directly. I could hear the change in her voice as soon as she realized who it was on the line. All the things i wanted to say at that point just slipped away.

"Just wanted to know that you're ok. That you are really there." I said.

"ok." she answered.

Then it was goodbye. That was really quick. What brought this on? A lot of things apparently but what brought it to a head was me joking about the wrong thing.

I've failed her and the people around me. A lot of times. Especially my parents. That has built up through the months and I'm now reaping the benefits. All because i wanted to get to the bottom of things without me needing to figure it out.

WHY? Why must i figure it out all the time when you can tell me out right? Why can't it be that simple where you tell me what you want? What's obvious to you isn't obvious to me. So just say what you mean. of course all thats too late now

I lost her faith a long time ago apparently and she has been suffering my presence ever since. every time we're together something turns out to be a test. Which i fail spectacularly every time. Why the need to test me? So that i can succeed? Bullshit!

I think the fact the you broke up with me means that you've accepted the fact that i wont change. And i wont try anymore. why should i ? you tell me that i should change for myself. if it was for myself i dont need to change! I'm ok as i am right now. and yes i will change in the future just not the way you want me to. no one really stays the same every time.

maturity? I am not mature and i AM proud of that. I am what i am. This is me. deal with it or not as you see fit.

The really funny thing is that I really want her to stay. To be with me forever. But i want that to happen with the current me and not some imagined or projected me. Sadly, I'm not good enough. Now she wants to move on? I will move on during my own time. The more you push the more I'll dig in. Childish? didnt you read the previous paragraph? I am not mature. If you're looking for a mature person then look elsewhere.

Any of you can probably refute the things i said above. go ahead. refute to your hearts content. I'll even agree with you if you're really right. That doesn't mean I'll do it though.

This is turning out to be a rant so I'll stop right here.